Irreplaceable

Where did time go? It seems like yesterday when I was in what I thought was a happy relationship. It's going on almost 3 years since my split from my fiancee. I was the happiest man alive the day she finally moved out. All the things I "thought" I could have, or was missing out on could now take place. We were together for about 5 yrs, but the last year was more on & off filled with many arguments. I didn't want to be alone, but I knew I didn't want to be with her. So much had changed in the dating world. I thought to myself "shit, I'm just gonna have fun, and play the field for a while"...I didn't want anything serious for a while after going though that. I figured when I wanted to, I could settle down like I've always done. I don't have a hard time meeting and starting relationships and I am super easy-going. What I didn't realize was how much things have changed!!
I dated here and there but never really committed to anyone. I knew what I wasn't going to put up with anymore, and for some reason, it seem to be all I attracted. I didn't mind at first, but just having "fun" got old quickly. I went on hundreds of dates, met a ton of new people, but it always seems something bothered me. Or was it that, it was just so damn easy for me to meet the next one? Either way, I went on living a dream that one day (when I wasn't looking, she would come along) That's the biggest line of bullshit ever!!! I work my ass off, going on dates, being myself, not being myself, agreeing to things I really could care less about, eating foods I'd rather not, and doing just about anything ive never tried before. I didn't want to limit myself to a "type" or someone I may have looked over in the past. I got to know everyone on different levels without making judgments. As I look back, I may have lost some really great women, who had everything I ever wanted (and more) but my past relationships always brought me to check for "red flags". Who had I become? I asked myself many times. I always told myself "everyone has their own flaws" and I have more than most, but for some reason I focused on these troublesome things, and eventually terminated the relationship. On the other hand, there were a few that I had minor issues (or sometimes major) but it didn't matter to me. I liked them enough to let it pass. I now realize that sometimes it's the flaws that I miss the most. Some of the silliest things would piss me off back then, but now I smile as I think that's who made them who they are.
Not too long ago I was dating someone and as I thought things were going fine. She was one who I overlooked these so called flaws without a problem. We clicked from the first date. We met at a unfamiliar area to me, and recommended I parked at a parking lot she knew. As I tried using the machine to pay, I felt like a fool because I had no idea what to do. There was an older gentleman behind me who claimed to know how to use it, so I let him at it. I called her and told her "I must be dumb or something, because I have no idea how to add more time".Just that very moment she comes walking up (we had never met in person) I started staring at this woman on the phone, as we both suddenly broke out laughing. We were about 20 feet from each other the whole time. She was waiting as well to pay for parking. She approached and we introduced each other. She then said "what's wrong with you??? the lady in front of us can do it fine" (well the "lady" was the older man I spoke about before) he turned around and we both started laughing!!! Things were off to a great start. We ended up staying out til about 5 am that night. She then asked (or stated) "you can't drive home now, stay with me"...."as long as you don't try any funny stuff".. I agreed and we went to her place. I was a total gentleman, and was rewarded with compliments the next morning. I ended up staying there the whole weekend. In the following weeks, my weekends were somewhat planned. We did everything together, and I met the family a few times. But here lies an issue we talked about a few times : We NEVER had sex. We slept together, kissed, and other things, but she always told me how glad she was that I never tried that..... So I never did. The weekend plans shortened, and it seemed she was often more busy than before. Had I done something wrong? (I could tell something was weird) It went from weekends, to one day, to maybe next weekend. Right there I knew it was time to move on. I recently asked "something changed, are you ok" she replied "I should have told you sooner, you're an amazing guy, but the connection just wasn't there" Whoa!! I somewhat knew it was coming, but guess I wasn't prepared to hear the cold, hard truth. It sucks to invest so much into things, but without doing so, I would have never gotten to that point perhaps. Were the other reasons? I will never know. Do I really want to know what I did to change her mind? Sure! but in all honesty, what would it matter??? She moved on, and so should I.
I say all this, to say this: Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly. I have been through so much since the break up almost 3 yrs ago. It has all brought me to a point of wondering what's next in store. Will I remain single? Will I meet the future Mrs. "Man" (that sounds kinda F'd up) but it arose many questions recently that I don't have the answers to. For those who are in relationships, and think that you can easily replace what you have, or that having "fun" is what you need, rethink your choices. It's not always greener on the other side (and I know a ton about grass) LOL
The Man