The L Word

My life at the moment is complicated to say the least. Andy is currently separated from his wife, the woman he cheated on me with and he has also relocated to the big apple. Of course he won’t admit it’s in an attempt to win me back, but I’m pretty sure that is his plan. He flies back to visit his daughter (whom I would be the stepmom to) Which means for the rest of my life I will have to pretend to like the woman who was the cause of all of this.
When he ambushed me back in the summer with a surprise visit I was mixed with emotions. I will always love him even after all the pain he caused me, but I’m not the same person anymore and as hard as I try I will never be able to forget what he did.
Andy continues to chant that he wants to give us another shot. That we shouldn’t throw in the towel if fate brought us together again. I’m not sure anymore how I feel towards him. Some days are great and briefly it’s like old times. We laugh and go for a run together, he cooks me dinner, but I know it can’t last. So, I walk around trying not to seem uncomfortable, I think very carefully before I speak afraid I might ruin the moment of happiness and remember what he did to me and that even if I wanted my old life back it’s not possible.
I tried my best this week to keep my distance from Andy, to not become dependent on him in my moment of weakness, but on Saturday night after yet another day of crackers and ring noodle soup I broke down and called him. During this past week I have been a walking zombie. Left the apartment twice, once to go the doctors and then the pharmacy. Let’s just say I’m fully caught up on all the housewives, soap opera plots and twists and I’m all set with Regis & Kelly for the next decade.
A part of me is still in love with Andy and if McDreamy hadn’t come into the picture I very well may have run into Andy’s arms and forgiven him without a thought. I told Andy this the other night and his first question to me was, “Do you love him?” (Him being McDreamy) I honestly hadn’t thought about it. How could I? It hasn’t even been six months and really what does it matter if the L word is spoken? Then he asked if I planned to move in with McDreamy. Which again had never been a formal question or concern in my mind. I answered no to both, although secretly I knew the answer to both was yes.
SP