Every Rose Has It's Thorn

I continue to keep myself preoccupied fearing if I stop to think the thorns will prick me. I worry I am being to liberal and dependent on people who will leave me high and dry if the mood suits. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure those around me can see thru the stone exterior.
It's not the same anymore and I certainly don't want to return to a life of tension and questions. I use to think I was confined to these four walls, which at times is still true, but now it is also a happy retreat from the real world. There are times after everyone has gone home that my mind drifts off and daydreams about the blissful years. A part of me wants to mend the crazy heart and give it one more try, but I realize by doing this I will forever be letting go of the person I am and the person I want to be. I will forever love him and perhaps that is why I continue to keep the porch light on. Artifacts of his existence stay untouched while large pieces of history are broken down and recycled.
I hate myself for causing him pain, for breaking his heart, but there were actions of his part that also weren't right. I continue to listen to the broken record and the negative remarks, which do not attract me, back. If only he took ownership for his mistakes in the relationship and character faults then maybe I could seriously consider the offer.
If I had the answers to all the puzzling questions I probably wouldn't be writing. It's unfortunate that the blog has become too personal for some and as a result has caused the rest of the crew to self-edit their words until there was nothing left.
As I've discovered since starting Love Bites the people who don't understand you and choose not to change with you are the ones who carelessly throw their three cents into a storyline that no one knows the ending to.
Kate