Glass Heart

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hatred so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain." - James Baldwin


Love is like glass, delicate and strong yet incredibly vulnerable and fragile. I have come out of my shell in the last month and wonderful things have started to happen. I am once again opening my heart to the idea of love and happiness. Which of course has something to do with McDreamy, although it's a long distance lust affair at this point. I have begun to unpack my belongings and continue to keep my past locked and mislabeled in mental storage.
When it comes to making decisions what pulls us to one choice versus the other? When we make bad choices, like eating a pint of ice cream or more extreme examples include lying, cheating, stealing, killing, what makes us want to do these things? Is it the thrill, the high from doing something we know is stupid and perhaps illegal? A lapse in judgment, having a bad day? Having a bad month or year? Perhaps hoping that even for a brief moment the rush from doing something not smart will erase the boredom and mundane of our daily life.
In dawned on me today the whole great debate last week had somehow turned into a fight to defend JSR or was it that Mrs. JSR was so mortified and embarrassed that someone was calling her "husband" a Jackass Sewer Rat and going on and on about what a jerk he was. Yet for some reason the war of words had been spun into a conversation about how much Kate loved him and why she couldn't let it go, given how he did a long time ago. Which at one point in time was true, but the overall theme of Kate's posts have always been about how much JSR is just that a jackass sewer rat. They aren't about how she desperately wished she were Mrs. JSR. I think it has been made very clear that Kate hates JSR. But, then again if you have selective hearing and vision. Picking out a sentence here and there and completely disregarding entire entries, you could spin this whole blog into a story about almost anything. Because if we were to read every word we would understand how the sentences and future thoughts go together. Randomly zeroing in on one phrase or term can swing a lifetime of memories in whatever direction you want. It's an impossible battle to win, especially when you don't know what you are fighting for.
Why is it that we loss sight of what we had been fighting about and instead wind up defending something we never wanted to begin with? Is this another mind game, attempting to divert our attention and energy away from the issue that was at the center of the great debate.
People always want to put their two cents in on a situation yet until you have lived it you aren't an expert, so don't tell someone what they obviously need to do.
Perhaps the more appropriate question I should have been asking was, how would you feel if your husband, boyfriend, old friend or lover one day removed you from their lives with no explanation? Would you just let it go? So many people say just let it go, move on, he did, and all I want to say is "No shit he moved on. He's an asshole with no soul." How would you feel to know that the last ten years of your life in an instant were erased and then as if without any feelings the man you once thought you would grow old with does an about face and in less than six months is married to someone else with a child. How would you feel? From experience, if you have a heart and actually cared about people, you will never be able to simply let it go. In some cases the betrayal and broken trust will scar you for the rest of your life.
SP