Conversations with The Man

Am I really ready to step into the war zone? Do I once again need to prove to myself that the city is big enough for all of us? A part of me never wants to go back, wants to pretend that south Florida no longer exists. It's a silly thought, but maybe I need to take a break from Miami and explore other places. Yet then the ghosts win and well I've never been good at losing. I debate everyday whether I'm emotionally ready. The thing is I'm not afraid of bumping into certain people (i.e. JSR and company), but rather my mental and emotional attachment with particular places is so strong. The best way to describe is when someone dies all the little quirks that you once loved about a person; about a place are now the things that you hate because they remind you of the past.
On my last visit I kind of knew this might be farewell for a while. I visited my grandmother's grave in Palm Beach, I walked on the beach and took photos of the ocean and the sunset, I partied, I religiously lunched at my favorite cafe, but when I got on the plane to go fly back home it was different. I felt bittersweet, happy that I got to visit again, but angry and sad that I was leaving.
The Man and I have been having a conversation about the whole JSR and company drama and my "Great Debate" post and it's rather interesting so I thought I would post most of it here.

Kate: "Everything comes in threes. Still so confused by the whole JSR nightmare and how it ended so poorly and why I couldn't even get an answer as to why to begin with and then how it was spun around so that I was the bad guy. When all I did was be nice and simply ask for an answer. Whether you agree with me exposing my life on a blog or not doesn't matter. They had their chance to explain the situation in private and yet nothing and only after seeing "their" life (I say their with quotes because it doesn't say it was them) do they break their silence. It's all about them and their feelings and their needs. How about what I felt and how confused I was being that I didn't do anything. In a way I would have preferred not hearing anything from them because then I wouldn't be left with even more pain and confusion. But then again I'm glad in a way because I got to see their true colors. I just wish I had been able to see it years before."

The Man: "Yes, I understand. But at the same time I also understand "their" point of view. You were not a "threat" until after you met her. You somehow threatened her (might have been with your looks, your posture, how well you are doing, or the fact you were his ex). I also would feel threatened if I were lacking something in my relationship, or had low self-esteem. I think most of us have a jealous streak when it comes to someone we care about, but if we show that jealousy, we are the one's who are somehow doing wrong. I know I would not want my girlfriend to be talking to her ex. That would make me think I was not enough for her. When I am in a relationship, I am open and usually cut all strings as well. I understand a note or letter is the wrong way, but it's easier to not have conflict. (Unless you have a blog and I find out) In a way, I bet he was laughing when he saw how he had affected you. It made him feel great to know that you still cared after all these years. His wife did have the right to tell you how she felt as well, and in a way, I understood some of her side as well. I would not enjoy to be talked about either. In reality, all she did was met someone, fell in love (as you did with him), started their lives together. I have had someone ask me all these questions like you're asking and once I told them the questions to "why", it wasn't good enough. From the things I've noticed from you to this point, you do not drop issues if you are not satisfied with the ending. You are a bit stubborn (as am I). I read the answers why you and him didn't work out...I read the answers to so many of your questions. Sometimes yourself write your answers when you describe what happened. I was ninety percent correct even before I saw what his wife said, but here goes again:

He was a bachelor (a lifestyle that you have fun "no strings attached” or "no baggage". After years playing and having fun, he was tired and wanted to settle down. (She came along at the right time) You were too early. He was still playing and you played into the easiness of it by flying into town and I'm sure, great sex! I also had someone who would come in from time to time.
For 4yrs you didn’t really talk.
You are too willing to give your all (flying into town)
You were his comfort zone when he thought about his past (You should be happy that you were on his mind, even when he was married)


When things go bad, we need to vent at times...but that doesn’t mean we want to be with that person again, it just means we thought you would understand or give comfort. Other times we want to hurt others by telling how good we have it, but in reality, if we had it that good, we wouldn't give two craps to call and rub it in. Those are bad people who try to bring others down because they are hurting. We have all had and thought "what if", "why" or "why not me", sometimes all we do is remember the good times and tend to block out all those shitty days we had together. But, if we really remember, times were not always that great. Think about this...when a loved one dies, do you ever think about all the bad they did? Unless you are happy they died, you tend to forget all of that. Do the same in this situation, you might never get the "why" you are looking for, but one day you will wonder why the hell he touched your life this way. I am happy to see you can feel this deeply about someone, but scared for you as well at the same time. Will you hold back from now on? Will you change yourself? Will you do the same? Who knows...but seriously, its good reading? Drop the thoughts of "why", and find your happiness. Go back in time and think of what made you happy alone.... walk in the park, cooking, painting, the smell of fresh flowers, who knows, only you. And remember when things were simple and nothing mattered but being happy. You have a huge heart, but somehow he has been holding it for years.... go find your heart!!!!! He put it down years ago!
I'm sure there must be blogs about me as well. LMAO! I have loved, lost, hurt many and explained the "why" very few times. Get your head up and get your ass down here! This town is big enough and I got your back!


Kate: "I can totally understand how she had nothing to do with our past and then I became the third wheel in her opinion and again I could see how some people might think I've gone overboard with all my blogs on him but I really don’t think it would have become what it did if I had gotten an answer to start. But, here is the thing what the wife was saying about me and about the answer to why makes no sense especially after you re read the original note and then I would assume that the post by "LOL" is JSR and if so its so rude and so anger at me. What for? I guess that’s what really confuses me.
I think now she was jealous and she asked him to stop talking to me immediately but it is how they together dealt with the situation of disposing of me, so to speak, that makes no sense and from her comments I was never a consideration and never would have been had they never found the blog. I find it funny how I got no response for months and months and then immediately after finding the blog they freak out and break the silence because they are hurt and upset now. Perhaps the blog was a bit much but I'm glad I wrote what I did and its what I needed to do to get past the pain and confusion. Did you read her comments?"

The Man: "I guess he did it just to piss you off. If so, it worked. Yes, I totally agree with you...they were both hurt (or she was). In no way was what you wrote wrong...those are your feelings and the truth. She was trying to act like she was fine at first, and then became ignorant. Some of the things she said were valid, but others just to try to hurt you, but it was on your part as well. I understand your pain, and her worries too. I enjoy what you write and I'm sure we will never get the answers we are looking for, but some things need no answers, they are just the way they are. "


Kate: "While I realize they were intended for people to read I never really thought about JSR himself reading it. I don’t know if I ever really loved JSR as deeply as it sounds in the posts. I think I was more in love with the mystery and lost the person along the way. Clearly the JSR I briefly saw on the blog (LOL comment) is a childish asshole and clearly I was never anything more than a fun girl who happened to grow up and become successful and then once again get suckered by his mystery. I think he was the first guy that really got me or rather got the dark, fun side of me. I wasn't thinking ten years ago how will this end. I never could have pictured this ending. I would have preferred he never found me again. It's sad really that it had to end this way but maybe its for the best because I finally got to see his true colors and not the sugar coated version I had been pretending he was all those years’ still debating MIA. Think I should explore elsewhere for a bit. We will see. I do love it there but now is far more complicated if we do run into one another. Can’t go anywhere alone."


The Man: "Well, as she wrote. He is ignorant, can't read too well, bad writings skills, and is somewhat dirty, messy guy. It sounds like he was more of a challenge than a love. But I am sure there were things to love and enjoy as well. I tend to pick "projects" as well, it maybe my Virgo thing or a way to feel I did something good, I really don’t know. Whatever decisions you make, have fun, enjoy and remember how much you have to offer someone...Try to find your equal or better. "

Kate: " I thought it was funny and odd that she was defending him and his actions because he was stupid and that she is too (her words, not mine). That’s basically what I got from the little I read. And the comment that my piece of coal is her treasure. Not sure how smart that was to say. It felt like she was upset that I ever was in the picture and jealous that he felt the need to introduce me to her. Clearly there was something going on behind closed doors back then that made him want to find me and the conversations we did have last year while pg he was totally flirting whether it was strictly flirting and he never wanted it to go anywhere I don't know. I told him I didn't want him anymore and that I didn't feel comfortable flirting with him and yet I'm the bad guy. Whatever. As a friend he is great, as a romantic interest he is an asshole. :) I’m going to re read your note from yesterday and probably post a portion of it later. Still debating Miami, as much as I love it, there is too much history. Think I need a long break from Florida."

The Man: "Hahahahaa, she seemed to be putting him down in so many ways. As if she knew her "diamond in the rough" still hasn't shined yet.lol."

Kate:"Lmao. That just made my day:)"

The Man: "Naaa, no army. I bet they are kind of scared at this point.lol."

Kate: " Really? You don't think if I saw them on the street they would come over and start screaming at me. I do so if I go I can never be alone not even when going to the bathroom lol. If I thought it would be awkward before I had no idea just how awkward it could get."


The Man: "Hahahahaa.... no! Not at all. Actually, I think they are going to avoid conflict and if you were to run into each other they would go another direction. They have way too much to lose. (Family, kids, marriage, etc)"


Kate: "Did u notice how she stopped commenting as soon as your post wasn't on her side? And yet all this time they could have said something and only when they see the blog do they speak. I feel like she gave up. Like she realized her threats and hurtful comments weren't effecting me and she wouldn't win the war of words."


The Man: " Yes, I noticed that as well and I think it should be over. Sometimes it's better to not even respond to their anger."

After last week it would seem that there is a small army out to hunt me the minute I land. Do I risk the emotional toll in order to mentally feel at peace with the city? If not now then when?

Sublime Happiness of a Guarded Heart